So this morning I got up, took my diet pills and my laxie and decided to weigh myself. I am totally ashamed to tell all of you this but i am 130 lbs exactly. I feel like the biggest fat ass in the world. But i will lose this wieght. So i had break fast so far today. I had oatmeal (100 cals) with artificial sweetener (0cals) and spray butter (0cals) and i bit of skim milk (10cals). I also drank some skim milk (80 cals) and had a coffee (2 cals). So far today i've consumed 192 calories. I'll keep updating as much as i can. Wish me luck!!

Part A:
     Sometimes i feel like giving up, and today was one of those days. My total calories were only 611 but it felt like so much more. I still havent lost weight. I think i need to exercise more. I REALLY need to get my gym membership back. I didn't eat breakfast this morning. For lunch i had a bowl of regular oatmeal with I can't believe it's not butter spray in it (No cAloRIES IN It!!) for snack i had half a bag of 100 calorie popcorn with hot sauce on it (tO RAiSe my mEtAbolISM) and then Steph brought up green olives and i ate 7 of the 9. I ate my mother's cooking tonight. I had a big salad with low cal dressing, corn of the cob, 1/4 cup cole slaw and a hot dog. I took my laxie at 9 tonight.

Part B:
Today was so boring. I literally did nothing all morning and afternoon except eat and play the Sims. I went to work tonight at one clients house that i had to fill in for. All they needed me to do was change a clients Depends. Then i went to my normal clients. We had a good night. We sat on the porch and talked to the nieghbors. Then i came home. I can still hear the fireworks going off outside as i type this. I'm kinda upset: No barbeques, No parties, No boyfriend to watch fireworks with. This is the second year that i haven't had anyone to see fireworks with. Hopefully next year will be better. If not i'm sure my ass will be firmly planted at a bar somewheres.

So i wanna know something from everyone... How often does everyone feel lonely?? It seems to me that I'm lonely a lot. I don't know if this is normal or not. I am very independant but at the same time i want someone who knows me and truly cares for me. Is this an oxymoron? I mean i know i have abandoment issues but can someone with abandonment issues have commitment issues too?? Maybe i'm too picky. I'm not gonna lie, I met great guys all the time. But there's always something off about them. I never "clicked" with them. I "clicked" with one person and it didn't end well and every other person before and after them isn't as good. What if i settle with someone and meet someone better??? or what if i never meet that person and one day i wake up 60 years old and still single?? My life is a big drama!! My life was summed by a very good friend yesterday... "You like to walk around like a fairy, you like to eat, and you like to have sex" I needed clarifaction on the fairy thing and its a good thing, I do like to eat but i've been starving myself for about 6 months now and i will i like sex ALOT. One day I"ll write book i think Well comments would be appreciated. 
Xoxo,
~Just keep going...

So i broke up with Nick last night. i called to tell him something and i didnt even get to say what i wanted to say before he's like i gtg, I'll call you later" It's like wtf?? So i sent him a text message saying 'I can't take this anymore, please don't talk to me anymore" He sent me one's back like, 'Baby what's wrong blah blah blah. I blocked him on aim, deleted his number and photos and delted him from my facebook and myspace. I couldnt sleep last night much. I kept tossing and turning. I had a dream about Dan last night too. I miss him so much. But anyway i got a text message during the night from nick and it said...'Quit picking everyon apart for their flaws until you fix your own, especially if your gonna be a hypocrite" WHAT AN ASSHOLE!!! so i told him to reallly go fuck himself,lose my number and have a nice life.his reply..'GROW UP and when u do look me up' I texted back 'I could say the same for you' and 'Your a very mean person when your mad and i'm glad i found this out now' I do have to admit i'm more upset about this than i thought, but i just gotta move on and keep going with my life. he caused more stress than he did good times.

Part A:
I was pretty bad again today. I ate alot but mostly everything was healthy. Nick invited next weekend over his parent's house for a BBQ so i'm HOPEFULLY not going to eat until then, b/ci want his parents to meet his BEAUTIFUL SKINNY girlfriend. Not a fat ugly bitch. Hopefully ill have the will power to do it.

Part B:
So i went to work today and Emily says she's sick and she's going home. Ok that's fine.  After she leaves Lorin freaks out, jackie almost get stung by a bee and Rich tried to pull off his fingernail. Well i have to cut off this fingernail and as i did, I get hit in the forhead by it. So by this time, I need a cigarette. So, i go outside  and as i'm out there i discover its the invasion of the nasty catapilliars. So then at three Dierdra comes in to work with me. Me and Dierdra had a good night with the guys howver i get i sick to my stomach so im in the bathroom for a good half hour. I wanted to die!!! And then i  got to talk to my baby and he invites me to his family's BBQ. His parents hate me so finally meeting them should be a REAL treat. Well thats al for now i have to get up in a few hours to go running.

Part A: 
     I was doing so well today. I skipped breakfast and lunch and was going to skip dinner, but i had to grandma's house and she made me gnoccis. Tomorrow i have school so hopefully i  don't have to eat at all tomorrow. I also hope i look good for Nick on Tuesday. I also weighed mysel today and was kinda surprised. I weigh 127.6 lbs. I thought i'd be more.

Part B:
     So today i had work again. It was ok. Emily invited me and Nick out with her and Corey to dinner on Friday. The grents picked me up from worked and took me to their house to eat. uuugghh. I then came home and did nothing for a while. Talked to Nick a bunch of times today. His text this morning was sooo cute. It was: I see you baby, shakin that ass, shakin that ass, shakin that ass, good morning darling. He made a wierd commet today though. I always joke that i'm gonna marry him. We were talking about salaries we'll make after college and he said he would make like an obsene amount so I asked him, "Where's my ring?" and instead of laughing it off he says,"If we ever get married, you're getting a huge rock." We're not even dating!!!!! It scares me. i can almost feel my walls crumbling down. it makes me wanna run away and just never talk to me again. I guess i have committment issues. I just don't wanna get hurt and i can definitely see myself getting hurt alot. Tuesday will definitely be interesting. We'll see...

Part A: 
So today i feel like such a fat ass. I ate entirely too much. I ate 4 garlic stuffed green olives (yeah i kno, i'm wierd) and then my mother made me eat. Uggghhhh. Corn on the cob w. no cal spray butter, pasta salad, and chicken strips. I feel so fat. I just wanna lose wieght so bad. 

Part B:
    So today i went to look at cars with my grandfather. He took me to see a 1988 Chevy Nova and a 1992 Dodge Spirit. They are beyond ugly!! I wish i had my car back. I then had class. We watched 2 20/20 episodes about John Gottman. It is so interesting. I think i wanna take up marriage for my Ph.D. After that i came home and talked to Nick for a while. I think he might want to date me. I'm not sure though. He kinda gives me mixed signals, but i like him so we'll see.